Help! I’ve got Brain Fog

I recently attended a psychologist at the request of my rheumatologist; to help me with the changes Fibromyalgia has brought about in my life. For some strange reason in this area it’s not accessible unless the referral is made by a psychiatrist, which is absolutely charming!

Of course none of this would have been necessary had I continued with my well paid and over stressed job, (I am on unpaid sick leave). I would have consulted a psychologist privately and that would have been that.

One of my greatest worries regarding my Fibromyalgia, is that my cognitive function is largely impaired at times. I get confused easily, forget things, my vocabulary does a bunk and I am left struggling blindly for words to describe the meaning of the one forgotten. I go to my bedroom fifteen times, with a specific task in mind and each of time I cannot remember why I went there.

To say the least, it is confusing not least because I often talk in absolute gibberish. I will say things like “Would you go and look in the tumble dryer for that screwdriver I need please?” That of course is not what I meant, or had intended to say! The children’s friend’s are convinced that I have Alzheimer’s Disease. They’re not the only ones.

I could wax lyrical about Brain Fog, as it’s called, but I am not going to. Suffice it to say that brain fog is the lay man’s term for the overall confusion that occurs on an all too regular basis. It’s what frightens me the most; especially when I regularly find myself in the wrong place, having intended to take a different route altogether.

The brain fog is what makes me a danger to the community at large. Considering that my chosen occupation is to be an Operating Room/Theatre Nurse and clinical manager; the brain fog is of the greatest concern to me.

Accountability is the buzz word in nursing circles; it has been for some time. Simply put it means that I must be able to take responsibility for my actions and their inherent consequences. Brain fog does not allow me to do that; nor probably does the muscular weakness and fatigue.

I have a responsible position in a physically demanding department, where I am responsible for the welfare of both staff and patients. I can put up with the pain and the aches, which occur despite medication, but I cannot tolerate the prospect of occasioning actual harm to patients or indeed staff.

Unfortunately, I have it on good authority, after two meetings with this psychologist, that my memory is good and that there is nothing wrong with it. My answer to him was that he should come, try and live with me!

Does his announcement mean that I will be forced into taking action that I would prefer not to take? Is this man going to force my to return to my work; while I remain unfit? Will I be forced to place an even greater burden of responsibility upon me and my co-workers? One of my reasons for leaving when I did was because I felt that I was becoming a burd0n to them, at an early stage; things have progressed since then.

In an effort to counteract this affliction I have started to make greeting cards by hand. I find that the attention to detail and learning new skills, albeit of a practical nature keep my mental dexterity a wee bit keener. I do crosswords and when I am on holiday I attempt to do Sudoko; I’m pretty good at the former and lousy at the latter. It helps though.

The business side of the card making is fascinating and I have learned so much. How much I would remember is questionable; thankfully I have the use of my computer and its copious memory to rely upon. I find it easier to type than to hold a pen or pencil. I have the luxury of touch typing which makes correspondence much easier; using e-mail or printouts as often as possible. The amount of spelling mistakes I make is phenomenal; it’s just another thing to frustrate me; I generally rectify them as I go along so my typing speed is also impaired!
I have started blogging. It is a form of self expression akin to journalling; which is now too hard on my aching tendons. While Journalling can be an effective form of therapy; especially free-form, ie jotting down whatever comes into your head without editing or censoring it or worrying about punctuation, Blogging is a little different.

Blogging has to undertake some form of self regulation or censoring; otherwise it would be too revealing and potentially harmful to all comers. Blogging is basically an on-line diary; allowing for commentary by readers and communication across all social divides and geographical boundaries.

Blogging can be and is meant to be enjoyable; by the writer and the reader. From my own experiences I have met some lovely people on line; I no longer feel isolated from society. I have again learned so much and am using much of what I have learned on a daily basis. I think that I would have gone quietly mad without them!