Tied for Time

December 18, 2007 at 3:33 pm Leave a comment

The title of this post says it all. I am tied for time; in just a few minutes I have to go into our local town and collect my eldest son from choir practice. This means that in exactly four minutes I will have to rush about the house, like a demented chicken; in order to free myself up to drive the 9miles into town while avoiding rush-hour traffic.

Gosh, what a messed up individual! Funny enough the person that wrote that was me. It is a post that I started almost a week ago and life has continued on in much the same vane. It is mad, mad, mad! I am once again finally beginning to face the fact that I can’t do everything and that if everything interferes with the all important things in life, I need to cut back a little.

Fibromyalgia is basically a thief. Most of the time it robs you of the essential energies needed to get on with life and live a little. Some times it robs you of the ability to enjoy yourself because of the pain. At other times it robs you of your dignity as you find yourself struggling for a simple word, you know the one that…, yeah that… one! Most of all I find that it robs you of yourself.

During the normal everyday course of life we take our health for granted and the things that this will allow us to do as a result of this are also taken for granted. That is until some fine day something comes along to change all that. Unfortunately, being accustomed to just getting on with things, we do just that until we reach the point of no return; when we can no longer carry on as we were. We have quite simply worn ourselves out!

That basically is my story. I still think that I can do the things which I have always done, I over do things, get sore and achy, ignore that, take more painkillers and end up laid up in a heap for a couple of weeks wishing that I had only listened to my intuition rather than my stupid head! At this stage I begin to feel overwhelmed by it all; convinced that it is all my own fault and that I am just being lazy and sometimes I am!

No end of counselling can prepare you for the end of life as you once knew it. Only the mad would suggest that you just sit there and do nothing, however, at times that is the best thing for me to do, and while each day has its highlights there are days when I really have to look hard to see them.

I am grateful for the chances this condition have opened up to me. For instance my children would never have been able to follow their heartfelt desires of Scouting and Gymnastics. I might have had more energy and far more money to allow for it, what I lacked in those days was the time. It seems to me that you can’t win!

Recently I had a medical examination for the Department of Social Welfare. I was nervous on the day I attended, I forgot to tell the examiner all about how I drop things, how I can’t carry anything vaguely heavy, how I forgot who I was. I did however make sure that he knew about the limited movement towards the right side and how my neck will only twist so far. I told him how scary I was with the brain fog and how it is so frustrating to not be able to remember what I am doing or saying.

The results of this should be out soon. He said about two weeks. I am dreading the mail that comes through the door, for amongst the mass of festive greetings there will be at least one envelope bearing a harp. It’s contents? God only knows!

It’s not that I don’t want to return to my previous occupation, I do and I don’t. I don’t think that I would be able to return and work in anything like my previous capacity, which was a junior management position in a very busy department in a health care setting. It was also a clinical position, which entailed many unsocial hours and weekends away from my family; often working for the day and the night, at the drop of a hat.

My reward? A good salary and the ability to get myself onto the straight and narrow financially. There was also status. This was something I didn’t appreciate until relatively recently; because of my ailing health I had come to feel under-valued and disrespected. My self-esteem had suffered badly; I was able to recognise the changes in my performance long before it became apparent to my colleagues; some of whom were astounded when I graciously backed out of things twenty-two months ago.

Now I find myself faced with another quandary; it is over a year since I last saw many of my work colleagues & friends. Having been delighted to accept their invitation to attend their Christmas Party, I now find that I am just too tired to want to celebrate Christmas with them. I have enough to do within my own household, which needs me to be on top of things, without pushing myself to make merry into the dead of night. Besides my youngest boy will be ten years old the following day, and I need to conserve my energy for him…

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